And the waiting continues...

So with all the anticipation and the homecoming scurrying I have both good and bad news. The good news is Mike got orders and when he comes home he won't have to go back to Japan; the bad news is, it's going to be another week before he gets home. So the good wife in me is grateful that he won't be leaving, but the anxious lover in me wishes I would still be seeing him this Wednesday. I mean it's been difficult to hide my joy, it's been hard to sit still and find things to do while waiting, so adding another week is extremely painful, albeit worth it.

The truth is, these last 2 1/2 mo (3 by the time hes' back) have been very difficult. In all our time together and apart in the military I would have to say this separation was the most painful, both the joy and the pain were difficult. The pain of dealing with her severe separation anxiety after her surgery and the joy of seeing her first steps and not being able to share them with him. There has been a lot of frustration and anger through this time period, not so much because of the separation alone, but the reasoning behind it. I often wished I could face those people in person, when Madison was at her worst, not eating, not sleeping, crying all day while I was at work... I wished I could stand in front of the people who were sitting on our paperwork and ask them to walk a day in my shoes. I wanted to go back to all the time we had spent in and out of hospitals, or the time I had spent with her after her surgery worrying about her head or maybe the time I cried for hours because she fell and bumped her head and I felt like a failure. Being in the military we are faced with the possibility of deployment and separation often, but being on deployment or in training is one thing, waiting for people to do their job and sign a paper is whole other ball park. I guess the hardest part of this has been playing the role of single parent and for those single parents out there my hat and heart goes off to you. Raising a child can be both rewarding and challenging, not having someone by your side through it all makes it that much more difficult. He missed her first steps, he hasn't seen her dance, she can clap and wake goodbye now and she is infamous for throwing things in the trash... he's missed all that, and although they will catch up, I feel like he's coming home to such a grown up little girl (not really). I mean if I had any doubt that Madison was still discovering who she was 3 months ago, I know now that she knows exactly what a little individual she is. She is so self aware, temperamental, strong headed, determined and all those other words that also are a part of him. It feels like a blur when they go from being these very dependent infants to moving to this independent (still needs me) self proclaimed person. She knows what she wants, when she wants it and will not budge until she gets it.

So now we have another week and my heart aches for him to be home. There is this sort of peace having a date, but also a sense of anxiety that accompanies it. For the most part we both agree the military life hasn't been too difficult on us. Mostly we like it, but right now I have been in a rage because of it, and it appears this diary of a mad military woman will be closed, but all that I have learned in this time has not been forgotten. There are so many woman, woman I know, that deal with the deployments, raising a family alone, the ups and the downs and just the rock bottoms. There are times life is really difficult, I have been battling between being angry and still trying to be a good mother through all the frustration. Now I am a just waiting another week and a half until he is home. It won't feel over until I can reach out and touch him. I can't wait for Madison to see him, I can picture her big brown eyes opening wide to the sound of a familiar voice that has been so distance for these last 3 months. Seeing her smile at him for the first time will certainly help heal these wounds and prepare me for life's next challenges. When all is said and done, I am the proud mother of a beautiful baby girl, and I am married to an amazing man who is also my best friend, and who for some reason has a shiny forehead in this picture.