I stop and although seconds ago I was angry and spitting nails, now I am sad and reduced to tears. I am next to Mia, as I listen to Madison repeat those words over and over.
I've been doing this for months, since June to be exact and I know that there are many that are doing this longer and are in situations that are much more challenging than mine, but today I am tired and it because I am tired I am now weeping as I continue to listen to Madison on the otherside of the door.
It's funny there are so many things you take for granted when he's home. For me it's shower. I was taking my showers at night, but with the cooler weather I can't risk getting sick ( i have two test next week). So, Mia is in a bouncy seat right outside the shower and Madison is self entertained to come and go as she pleases (someone might care about privacy, but I have lost that luxury as well; you can't leave a toddler and a baby together, and you can't lock your toddler out either). I'm almost done with my shower and I hear the door open, its Madison, she is saying hello to Mia and otherwise not bad. Soon she is saying, " I have to go potty, I have to go potty!"
I throw open the curtain and lift up the lid, but she is standing there wide eyed peeing on my floor.
REGRESSION, that's what the experts call it. Months of self sufficiency and suddenly its accident city. I often find that she is too busy playing to want to stop to go pee. I have to force her to take a break because otherwise she has waited too long. While I have been dealing with this in a somewhat controlled fashion, today I lost it. It had only been 20 minutes since I bathed her and now my freshly cleaned bathroom and her are dirty again and my shower is cut short.
I yelled at her. "Madison, why?! I am mad, do you understand me? I am mad. I want you to go clean up and don't come back in here. Go change your clothes, but don't come back in here, I don't want to see you right now I am mad!"
She understands and she does just that, she doesn't cry about it and doesn't hesitate, she follows my instructions precisely and now she sits outside the door explaining to Dora why they can't come in the bathroom.
She doesn't cry, but I do. Mia and she is stirring now and I am sobbing feeling so alone. There is no one to call at this particular moment, at least no one that I want to talk to about this. Even if there was i don't think I can talk. I have a week and half left to go, two test in between and two girls that need my unconditional love.
I open the door, she is waiting. I tell her I am not mad anymore, but she sees my tears and knows that I am sad. Today this is okay, I try not to break down in front of her, but today I need her to know that I am not mad at her.
