The Final Stretch

I hear her voice on the other side of the door, "mommy's mad" she is telling dora.
I stop and although seconds ago I was angry and spitting nails, now I am sad and reduced to tears. I am next to Mia, as I listen to Madison repeat those words over and over. 

I've been doing this for months, since June to be exact and I know that there are many that are doing this longer and are in situations that are much more challenging than mine, but today I am tired and it because I am tired I am now weeping as I continue to listen to Madison on the otherside of the door.

It's funny there are so many things you take for granted when he's home. For me it's shower. I was taking my showers at night, but with the cooler weather I can't risk getting sick ( i have two test next week). So, Mia is in a bouncy seat right outside the shower and Madison is self entertained to come and go as she pleases (someone might care about privacy, but I have lost that luxury as well; you can't leave a toddler and a baby together, and you can't lock your toddler out either). I'm almost done with my shower and I hear the door open, its Madison, she is saying hello to Mia and otherwise not bad. Soon she is saying, " I have to go potty, I have to go potty!"

I throw open the curtain and lift up the lid, but she is standing there wide eyed peeing on my floor.

REGRESSION, that's what the experts call it. Months of self sufficiency and suddenly its accident city. I often find that she is too busy playing to want to stop to go pee. I have to force her to take a break because otherwise she has waited too long. While I have been dealing with this in a somewhat controlled fashion, today I lost it. It had only been 20 minutes since I bathed her and now my freshly cleaned bathroom and her are dirty again and my shower is cut short.

I yelled at her. "Madison, why?!  I am mad, do you understand me? I am mad. I want you to go clean up and don't come back in here. Go change your clothes, but don't come back in here, I don't want to see you right now I am mad!"

She understands and she does just that, she doesn't cry about it and doesn't hesitate, she follows my instructions precisely and now she sits outside the door explaining to Dora why they can't come in the bathroom.

She doesn't cry, but I do. Mia and she is stirring now and I am sobbing feeling so alone. There is no one to call at this particular moment, at least no one that I want to talk to about this. Even if there was i don't think I can talk. I have a week and half left to go, two test in between and two girls that need my unconditional love.

I open the door, she is waiting. I tell her I am not mad anymore, but she sees my tears and knows that I am sad. Today this is okay, I try not to break down in front of her, but today I need her to know that I am not mad at her.

I love you Madison.

It's Been A While

So much has happened since the last time I wrote so I will just give a quick condensed version. I am back in school full time, just finished my second semester, straight A's whoo-hoo! We are pregnant again, actually I am due in about 3 weeks... you don't want to see that. Madison is growing like a weed, she is two, terrible and temperamental! Despite all the fun we have had though, the Marine Corps has struck again... Mike just left this week for 6 months, they say it gets easier, but so far it doesn't feel that way, trying to explain to Madison where her Daddy has been the hardest thing ever!

Mike may be able to come home for the birth, but we will see if Mia wants to cooperate and come on time for her daddy. In any case I can't write on this subject for too long without getting teary eyed, I miss my best friend so much.

Here we are on vacation in Mexico, Madison has plenty of attitude to spare though!

After more than a year we finally went back to the zoo, we went late in the evening because being big and pregnant I am not huge on crowds and I prefer being able to look at the animals, Madison loved this exhibit she was stood there watching the orangutans for 20 minutes. It was our last family outing before Mike left.

Daddy and Maddy, they are two peas in a pod, I am in the reserves and had to do two weeks of annual training before Mike left, she already adores her daddy, but the two weeks certainly gave this daddy's girl a lot of fun!

Here she is helping him pack, and by helping she was packing her stuffed animals and her favorite DVDs, oh and did I mention she is potty trained? It was surprisingly easy for her, I can't take the credit she was just totally ready.

Finally enough hair for pig tails!

She likes doing dishes now... hope she doesn't get tired of it too soon, say maybe let it last for another 15 years!

And here's one of the few baby bump pictures... Madison and I went out to support Mike in a duathlon, he took 1st place!!