The Final Stretch

I hear her voice on the other side of the door, "mommy's mad" she is telling dora.
I stop and although seconds ago I was angry and spitting nails, now I am sad and reduced to tears. I am next to Mia, as I listen to Madison repeat those words over and over. 

I've been doing this for months, since June to be exact and I know that there are many that are doing this longer and are in situations that are much more challenging than mine, but today I am tired and it because I am tired I am now weeping as I continue to listen to Madison on the otherside of the door.

It's funny there are so many things you take for granted when he's home. For me it's shower. I was taking my showers at night, but with the cooler weather I can't risk getting sick ( i have two test next week). So, Mia is in a bouncy seat right outside the shower and Madison is self entertained to come and go as she pleases (someone might care about privacy, but I have lost that luxury as well; you can't leave a toddler and a baby together, and you can't lock your toddler out either). I'm almost done with my shower and I hear the door open, its Madison, she is saying hello to Mia and otherwise not bad. Soon she is saying, " I have to go potty, I have to go potty!"

I throw open the curtain and lift up the lid, but she is standing there wide eyed peeing on my floor.

REGRESSION, that's what the experts call it. Months of self sufficiency and suddenly its accident city. I often find that she is too busy playing to want to stop to go pee. I have to force her to take a break because otherwise she has waited too long. While I have been dealing with this in a somewhat controlled fashion, today I lost it. It had only been 20 minutes since I bathed her and now my freshly cleaned bathroom and her are dirty again and my shower is cut short.

I yelled at her. "Madison, why?!  I am mad, do you understand me? I am mad. I want you to go clean up and don't come back in here. Go change your clothes, but don't come back in here, I don't want to see you right now I am mad!"

She understands and she does just that, she doesn't cry about it and doesn't hesitate, she follows my instructions precisely and now she sits outside the door explaining to Dora why they can't come in the bathroom.

She doesn't cry, but I do. Mia and she is stirring now and I am sobbing feeling so alone. There is no one to call at this particular moment, at least no one that I want to talk to about this. Even if there was i don't think I can talk. I have a week and half left to go, two test in between and two girls that need my unconditional love.

I open the door, she is waiting. I tell her I am not mad anymore, but she sees my tears and knows that I am sad. Today this is okay, I try not to break down in front of her, but today I need her to know that I am not mad at her.

I love you Madison.

It's Been A While

So much has happened since the last time I wrote so I will just give a quick condensed version. I am back in school full time, just finished my second semester, straight A's whoo-hoo! We are pregnant again, actually I am due in about 3 weeks... you don't want to see that. Madison is growing like a weed, she is two, terrible and temperamental! Despite all the fun we have had though, the Marine Corps has struck again... Mike just left this week for 6 months, they say it gets easier, but so far it doesn't feel that way, trying to explain to Madison where her Daddy has been the hardest thing ever!

Mike may be able to come home for the birth, but we will see if Mia wants to cooperate and come on time for her daddy. In any case I can't write on this subject for too long without getting teary eyed, I miss my best friend so much.

Here we are on vacation in Mexico, Madison has plenty of attitude to spare though!

After more than a year we finally went back to the zoo, we went late in the evening because being big and pregnant I am not huge on crowds and I prefer being able to look at the animals, Madison loved this exhibit she was stood there watching the orangutans for 20 minutes. It was our last family outing before Mike left.

Daddy and Maddy, they are two peas in a pod, I am in the reserves and had to do two weeks of annual training before Mike left, she already adores her daddy, but the two weeks certainly gave this daddy's girl a lot of fun!

Here she is helping him pack, and by helping she was packing her stuffed animals and her favorite DVDs, oh and did I mention she is potty trained? It was surprisingly easy for her, I can't take the credit she was just totally ready.

Finally enough hair for pig tails!

She likes doing dishes now... hope she doesn't get tired of it too soon, say maybe let it last for another 15 years!

And here's one of the few baby bump pictures... Madison and I went out to support Mike in a duathlon, he took 1st place!!

My baby is growing up

Well I haven't really been here in a while and today I just have a need to write as a chapter in our lives is closing.

Recently Madison discovered the wonders of animated movies, specifically Madagascar 2, while we have never really had her watch t.v. she has been addicted to this movie for the last week. Now, initially I found her fascination cute, she couldn't help but dance uncontrollably to the music, she would get so excited and laugh throughout the movie, but now it's a week later and I find myself in shambles. Madagascar has been playing non stop lately, I have been presented with two options:

1. Play the movie non stop and let my daughter be happy.
2. Deny her the movie and listen to her cry uncontrollably without any workable comfort methods.

So far we have done both, none are satisfying, and she doesn't even want to play with us anymore. It's so frustrating, she's an addict, she can't look away and no matter what we are doing she is asking for her movie. As if this situation isn't bad enough both of are sick and I am more sensitive and she is more honorary. My mom says this is a phase, one that is unyielding thus far. The truth is my heart is breaking, it's not just about the social stigma of too much t.v. being bad, but we have lost our baby, she is growing up and her very clear message that she wants and will watch her movie is proving to sting a lot more than we expected. Madison is Madison and we have always accepted that, she is sometimes moody, not always friendly with people and of course knows what she wants and will let it be known, but she is also funny (actually hilarious), happy, joyful, energetic and so curious about everything. I miss those last qualities, because the past week has been nothing but a huge battle. Some people may read this and to them it may not seem like a big deal. Maybe because we are under the weather we are more sensitive, but I just need to express how much I miss pre-madagascar Madison.

Family Time and Birthday Celebrations

I've got teeth!






A kiss for the baby

We went to Arcelia's for the weekend and she took some pictures for us. We had an awesome time, we went rock climbing, ate Indian food and frozen yogurt and took Madison on her first hike. Did I mention my sister is awesome!













And nothing but pure Maddy





A group kiss... can you guess who didn't like it?


Now for the BIG stuff, someone had a BIRTHDAY

Madison turned a year old and time sure flies by because it doesn't feel that long, and yet somedays it feels like she's been here forever. In any case, we took her to the zoo for her birthday where she had loads of fun, it was pretty packed, but we still had fun and in the end she was ready for some sleep.

Why are they just staring







Daddy I'm tired







CAKE!!!



Don't mind if I do

With that, we have plenty to keep us busy these days. Mike had to go back to Japan for a week, but after 3 months, I think we can handle a week. My last working day in the Navy is going to be in May (i get paid till JULY!!), so a lot of new changes are coming our way. One of these days Maddy will grow hair.

Christmas in February!

Madison holding a sign we made for Daddy, from where she's standing she can read it just fine :)

Daddy's flight was delayed, so we waited at the airport for some time

The watchtower ladies took a picture of his girls

She runs everywhere she goes, finally a picture that not blurry!

So Madison and I were pleasantly surprised Tuesday when we received an email letting us know Mike would be on his way home this week after all. Words can't express our excitement, especially mine! I missed Mike so much, he is my best friend, my confidant and my all. We are so happy to have him back. And of course in the excitement of it all, we forgot to get a picture of Daddy! But it's okay because a picture couldn't have captured everything anyways. His face the way it lit up to see how big she was and her running (not even walking), her big brown eyes as she hid behind me for a moment thinking his voice was very familiar and finally the smile on both their faces when he picked her up as swung her around. What a relief for her to remember him so quickly because she was home with an ear infection and it was daddy's turn to babysit, they both made out just fine. Our house is filled with nothing but smiles and laughs, being together as a family again is the greatest gift of all.

After missing Christmas, New Year's Eve, our anniversary and V-Day, we finally celebrated Christmas. To sum it up in one sentence, Madison was not disappointed. I think her favorite items were the dancing tower, the catepillar that she can drop balls into and the doll grandma sent her. She is also sporting an awesome bump on her dome from opening a door onto her head.

Daddy helping Maddy open presents from Grandma and Grandpa

She hangs her baby upside down to comfort and soothe her while crying


Pictures of the 3 of us together are on there way.

And the waiting continues...

So with all the anticipation and the homecoming scurrying I have both good and bad news. The good news is Mike got orders and when he comes home he won't have to go back to Japan; the bad news is, it's going to be another week before he gets home. So the good wife in me is grateful that he won't be leaving, but the anxious lover in me wishes I would still be seeing him this Wednesday. I mean it's been difficult to hide my joy, it's been hard to sit still and find things to do while waiting, so adding another week is extremely painful, albeit worth it.

The truth is, these last 2 1/2 mo (3 by the time hes' back) have been very difficult. In all our time together and apart in the military I would have to say this separation was the most painful, both the joy and the pain were difficult. The pain of dealing with her severe separation anxiety after her surgery and the joy of seeing her first steps and not being able to share them with him. There has been a lot of frustration and anger through this time period, not so much because of the separation alone, but the reasoning behind it. I often wished I could face those people in person, when Madison was at her worst, not eating, not sleeping, crying all day while I was at work... I wished I could stand in front of the people who were sitting on our paperwork and ask them to walk a day in my shoes. I wanted to go back to all the time we had spent in and out of hospitals, or the time I had spent with her after her surgery worrying about her head or maybe the time I cried for hours because she fell and bumped her head and I felt like a failure. Being in the military we are faced with the possibility of deployment and separation often, but being on deployment or in training is one thing, waiting for people to do their job and sign a paper is whole other ball park. I guess the hardest part of this has been playing the role of single parent and for those single parents out there my hat and heart goes off to you. Raising a child can be both rewarding and challenging, not having someone by your side through it all makes it that much more difficult. He missed her first steps, he hasn't seen her dance, she can clap and wake goodbye now and she is infamous for throwing things in the trash... he's missed all that, and although they will catch up, I feel like he's coming home to such a grown up little girl (not really). I mean if I had any doubt that Madison was still discovering who she was 3 months ago, I know now that she knows exactly what a little individual she is. She is so self aware, temperamental, strong headed, determined and all those other words that also are a part of him. It feels like a blur when they go from being these very dependent infants to moving to this independent (still needs me) self proclaimed person. She knows what she wants, when she wants it and will not budge until she gets it.

So now we have another week and my heart aches for him to be home. There is this sort of peace having a date, but also a sense of anxiety that accompanies it. For the most part we both agree the military life hasn't been too difficult on us. Mostly we like it, but right now I have been in a rage because of it, and it appears this diary of a mad military woman will be closed, but all that I have learned in this time has not been forgotten. There are so many woman, woman I know, that deal with the deployments, raising a family alone, the ups and the downs and just the rock bottoms. There are times life is really difficult, I have been battling between being angry and still trying to be a good mother through all the frustration. Now I am a just waiting another week and a half until he is home. It won't feel over until I can reach out and touch him. I can't wait for Madison to see him, I can picture her big brown eyes opening wide to the sound of a familiar voice that has been so distance for these last 3 months. Seeing her smile at him for the first time will certainly help heal these wounds and prepare me for life's next challenges. When all is said and done, I am the proud mother of a beautiful baby girl, and I am married to an amazing man who is also my best friend, and who for some reason has a shiny forehead in this picture.

Teeth and anticipating arrivals!

So the good news is Madison is growing some teeth! As a breast feeding momma I wasn't too upset that she waited 11 months to finally get some, but I was wondering when they would show up... now to get a picture, that's another story. Not to mention getting a pic is also a two man job and I'm about 6 feet 2 inches and 210lbs short of that right now, luckily that's not for long, Mike is coming home!!! I'm so excited! I know most people reading this don't even know the situation, but it's been 2 1/2 months since I've seen him all because some people in the USMC can't do there job, and actually still haven't completed it, but he wasn't about to miss our little girls b-day. In any case, he is coming home on leave, so I am 5 days away from 3 weeks of bliss and I can't wait. So now I will just take and enjoy a 3 day weekend, and prepare for a week of Transition Assistance Preparation class, or at least I think that P stands for that, who knows? Anyways got get the civis out and figure out what to do with myself for 5 days, I think Maddy might have me covered on the last. Since I don't have a picture of the teeth, here's a picture of what we will be doing this weekend. Peace out!